In a world like ours, there is one surefire way to survive — be a bad guy. And I am. Yes, I truly am.
True. Like me, you have to be bad so you will have the courage to fight back people who may be innately bad or whose life is like a Pandora’s box — what he is or who he is, remains to be known later as it continues to be overshadowed by his lurking deep within himself. And, for him, that is to be bad that he believes he should. Or, better yet, to do bad things that he thinks he should, to liken himself to a guy that he thinks he is.
One of his victims is, yes, a gay who is onion-skinned, as blurted out by one who lacks tact when speaking up. But it is not about it. It is far beyond it. And it is something that made me more curious than I used to be; cropping up were the usual prayers of the angry: “What the hell he was doing? Or what the hell she was doing?” Or what this gay — assuming guy — was doing?” His recent post on FB, a photo of a cheering squad — distorted, and inflammatory to the sensitive or the most sentient among us — of colleagues, is a blooper he may not forgive himself with — an expression of a person that he is not, that he shows, or, maybe, an exposure of the real person that he is. A bad guy. Or a bad gay. Whichever, he has predisposing characteristics. His walking ala-Jennifer Aniston. Or his being a Rustom Padilla look-alike. To whomsoever, he has a perfect semblance. He himself is an abomination, like the Lord’s disciple portraying loyalty to Him, without being truthful to himself. A word of a psychologist who slips not on that of him.
“Welcome to the cheering squad,” Raymund might say about him, a coach of a squad that he created in dreams, realized through his artistry that he might think he is best at. He is, yes. But his artistry does not serve his real purpose of proving what he is or who he is, or what he is not or who he is not, either; now, he is instead a victim of a “pity-me now” situation. Damn it!
This essay is not about being gay nor about not being gay, or not necessarily about being a bad guy nor about not being a bad guy. It is simply about the need to be bad to survive from the harsh realities of life: improper becomes proper because it is popular or people like it. When I knew of one who told me: “Siya man gud. Ambot kaha. (It is because of him. I don’t know.),” I then asked myself: “Is this how a college graduate thinks?” A poor graduate. Schooled, but not educated.
A nice person as he is, Raymund might just be wishing, like I used to as I am now a bad guy that I know I am, to be a bad guy who can counter bad people, who set out an onslaught against him from behind, without circumspection, thereby leading them to suffer from derision, in return. Nice. And they should. Yes, to the intelligent, he is but a shadow of a woman crying deep inside for acceptance — and nobody seems to heed his bewails, internal, thus his artistry is good as nothing. Nothing, as it has no relevance at all. But it is something that hurts the sensibility of a gay spitting out words of the sensitive for the insensitive. Or, in the real essence, the other way around? We can always exchange roles in a play, like this, our life itself.
I am not in a position to judge that he is bad, that he is gay, or that he is trying to prove he is not. But it seems he is.
This essay is also not about being gay nor about not being gay. But it is about a guy acting like a gay, or a gay acting like a guy, or about gayness that leads one to be bad that Raymund tends to. Not that he necessarily has to be like the one who victimized him; he just has to be tough, an adjective I use to describe a guy who will not pick a fight with anyone but who does not allow himself to be a victim of one playing tough in order to cover up his vulnerabilities and sensibilities.
I may have more than enough to describe the situation. But the feelings that Raymund, who became the “phenomenal laughingstock,” are beyond description. If a picture paints a thousand words, his anger seems impossible to picture out.
Raymund, you are gay, right? But be a bad guy instead. Or, be a victim again.